Nefarious and Nebulous
Yes we can (waste time)
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in the spirit of wasting time
i suppose i am good at that. stick with what works, right? it isn’t my place to make this about me. without you here, daily, my stomach knots up. remember when i told you that every mood you feel, i feel too? it has been that way since i started to get to know you roughly two years ago. i can’t quite explain it. you motivate me at work. without you around, it’s harder to concentrate. no one seems to notice, though. coworkers still laugh and joke. i feel very much as though i’m going through the motions. everything else keeps moving and i barely participate. maybe i have felt that way for some time, while you give me something to look forward to. it kind of covers it up a bit, gives it a silver lining. if i didn’t have time to spend with you outside of work, i took comfort in knowing i would at least see my favorite person between 11 and 6. i can’t shake the fear of seeing you less. i miss you every minute i’m without you.
i can be pretty selfish. this is about you. and needing a fuck load of love.
in one of your last posts you said “it’s good to remind yourself how to be valuable”. those are your own words. don’t forget them. let yourself be lost for a little bit, but come back to reality when you’re done, and quickly. the lost place isn’t a good place to spend copious amounts of time in. remind yourself how to be valuable. you are talented, intelligent, and know wonderfully helpful people. people that would do anything for you. you’re also in love with someone that is madly in love with you. these things are important. not everyone gets to be lucky enough to have all that.
maybe shift. maybe reconsider. you have time. i love you.
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holy heck it’s been a busy day
But I suppose it’s a good one. :)
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today was a day…
where everything kind of sped up and slowed down at the same time. When I take adderall it’s definitely a mixture of those two things.
There’s a scene in some science fiction movie where the world has stood still and nothing is happening. At one point the protagonist sees a helicopter floating in the sky, with the blades barely moving…and with this he realizes that the earth hasn’t slowed or stopped. HE has sped up.
There’s something nice about looking at this picture
It’s good to remind yourself how to be valuable. It definitely doesn’t feel like I did all that today.
But in the five minutes, seriously five minutes I went to look for that photo to post into here, I came across an email from an old friend….and I wrote this response in 5 minutes.
Like I shouldn’t be able to knock that out. But I did. It’s like whatever I choose to focus on I can. And everything else just disappears or melts away. Days like today I’m thankful to be able to use that to my benefit. But there are other days where it’s complete havoc on me. Where whatever I try to latch onto, I can’t. And then I spin, focusing intently on some problem for about 30 seconds, before the next thing wretches me away. It’s mental handcuffs and sometimes I wonder if I’m really hyperactive if it does this kind of number on me.
I’ve been trying to keep up with everything that’s happened over the past few weeks. (It definitely feels like more than I remembered, but that’s nothing new) In my attempt to write everything down, it feels like I’m losing some perspective. “this is what happened” is not the same as “this is how I feel about what happened.”
I think I could keep writing, but I’m not sure about what. That’s mah thought on today though. Crazy busy. But it doesn’t feel like I have a lot to show for it.
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What a fucking messProving people wrong
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This is what I want for Christmas
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This is a Leonberger.
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This was the car I drove when I was a teenager.
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I just like the t-shirt.
Author
This is where two people share thoughts and ideas and learn a little bit about one another. And waste time at work.
